i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
