I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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