I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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