i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
