she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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