I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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