I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
