I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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