i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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