I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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