i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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