isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
