I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
