I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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