Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
