There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
