all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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