Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
