Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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