So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Need sex. Gaining weight.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
