I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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