So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
