What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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