I think my vagina is haunted
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Randomize
