omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
