broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
