So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
