I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
