oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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