Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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