I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
