Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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