She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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