i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
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