you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I can't put those talents on a resume
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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