I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
