Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
