well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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