Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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