So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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