if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize