Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
