so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
whose parrot is this?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
