I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Randomize
