I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
