He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
