Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
