My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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