I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
