Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
These tits shall not be calmed
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
