Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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