Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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