I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
