Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
