i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
