did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
