our cab driver is having phone sex.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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