id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
