I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You may now shotgun with the bride
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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