he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
