I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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