i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
